dkharbour

dkharbour Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day, that's the island greeting that we send to you from the land where palm trees sway, here we know that Christmas will be green and bright, the sun to shine by day and all the stars at night, Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way to say Merry Christmas to you!

dkharbour Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day, that's the island greeting that we send to you from the land where palm trees sway, here we know that Christmas will be green and bright, the sun to shine by day and all the stars at night, Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way to say Merry Christmas to you!

dkharbour You better take out, you better not fry, you better have food, I'm telling you why, Gertie Claus is comin' to town! She's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out if you made chicken or rice, Gertie Claus is comin' to town! She sees you when you're eating, she knows when you've dropped food, she knows if you'll share it or not, so share it, for goodness sake!

dkharbour I am so proud to be a part of this brilliant cast, who bring out the absolute best in my performance, and I hope to help bring out the best in them as well. (Even if I'm the one ruining everyone's scenes by not being able to stop laughing. The feel when 14 year olds are more professional than you...) Thank you so much to @sagawards for this nomination, it means everything to me, especially coming from my fellow actors. If we win, you're guaranteed another loud speech from me... which I hope is a selling point and not something to scare everyone away. I also can't promise that Winona will make a variety of adorable faces, but I can possibly arrange something with her.

dkharbour Most dogs hate to be wet or take baths, right? Well, our little worm enjoys following us into the shower! "But David!" you cry. "That's so weird! Does she let you shampoo her?" You betcha! In fact, she gets downright indignant if you don't! In other news, I'm wondering if we somehow adopted a human that lives in a dog's body. She has very human emotions as well, this isn't the first time I've wondered if she might be someone cursed by a witch and turned into a dog.

dkharbour NEW YORK CITY!! How are you spending your pre-Christmas weekend? Would you like to spend it with me and a bevy of other nerds? Then do I have a treat for you!! Join @joshuahorowitz, @justinlong, @thereelpatrickwilson, and myself at @bellhouseny for a night of hilarity, self-deprecation, and perhaps even some singing? I mean, what else are you going to do on a Sunday night?!

dkharbour They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so maybe this picture can try and explain with its thousand words just how much I love this woman. (And then I can add another thousand words about how grateful I am that she's mine. That she makes me smile even when I've had the shittiest day in existence. That she laughs at all my dumb jokes and makes me feel funny, even when I'm not. That she tells me every day how handsome I am and I actually believe her like... 82% of the time, but even when I don't, she still makes me FEEL it. That she's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my whole life and even if she thinks that's total bullshit, I'm telling everyone on here so she can know without hesitation that I mean it enough to say it in front of 5 million people. God, do I love her.)

dkharbour IN SOVIET RUSSIA, MASK WEARS YOU!! Have I mentioned how excited I am to be a part of this movie? Because I am so goddamn excited to be a part of this movie. Red Guardian is gonna come kick your ass this May, with his big fat body and big long Santa Claus beard. You guys are going to love it, I promise. #TattoosAndGoldTeethAreSexy

dkharbour "Hey man, let me take a picture with actor extrordinare Brett Gelman!" - me before we took this picture, hence the displeasure on @brettgelman's face. Also, Noni and I just finished watching Fleabag and if you guys haven't seen it, you need to watch it. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll have all sorts of sexual thoughts about doin' it in a church, you'll wanna punch Brett in the face, it's a good time.

dkharbour I cannot express how thankful I am to have been a part of @24hourplays this year. What a wonderful experience, shared with so many talented actors, all in the name of the arts and supporting charity for the incredible Kathy Bates and her very worthy cause. I've always been a huge believer in live theater, it's something that kept me sane through the toughest times of my life, and it's something I want to share with people as often as possible. The whole process of this was a whirlwind and I would absolutely do it again, so please keep me in mind for next year, guys!

dkharbour I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 26 years old, and suddenly, I had a name to the issues I'd struggled with my whole life, people to keep an eye on my brain and keep me from descending into madness, medicine that could help curb some of those urges that I'd always thought I would have to live with forever. It was a terrifying experience, but it shaped me into the man I am today, and I honestly wouldn't change a bit of it. When I was younger, no one spoke about their mental illnesses; it was a secret that existed under thin veils and kept in the back of closets, the shameful family secret that no one even dared discuss behind closed doors. I want to be someone outspoken about it today so that I can help that same child struggling like I was, to let their parents know that it's okay, that they can be just as successful as I've been lucky enough to become, despite what they're going through. I'm also so goddamn lucky to have a woman that loves me through all of my flaws, who stands by my side when it's a difficult day, who takes care of me when I can't take care of myself. I never dreamed that I would get to have someone as incredible as her, and I am so thankful every single day.

dkharbour Architectural Digest, you have to stop surprising me like this! We had no idea you were coming! Please, enjoy this video tour of the apartment that Noni and I have put so much love into, we're so happy to share it with you. (Please don't think we're the kind of people to take baths with wild candelabras everywhere. We know how to not set a place on fire, okay??)

dkharbour When you get paid way too much money for filming your show, sometimes you go wild and splurge on things like a new apartment. (And sometimes your girlfriend surprises you by finding a beautiful apartment to renovate together... which is exactly what happened here.) I'm in love with our new place, and so we decided it was too beautiful not to share with the world! Also, please don't ask me what I'm holding. I have no fuckin' clue, they just said it would make me look good. I think it makes me look like a goddamn nerd.

dkharbour LOOK AT THAT FACE!! LOOK AT THAT EAR!! I know parents are biased about how cute their children is, but I swear to god, our child is the cutest. I love how much Gertie loves nature, that she's a little wilderness dog who runs around in fields and catches frisbees, which is something special since I can barely catch a frisbee myself. Imagine catching it with your MOUTH!! She's so damn well-behaved, she has a mind of her own, and I'm so grateful she's our little girl.

dkharbour Listen, you little shithead. You stay away from my daughter. You're a bad influence on her, and she does not need that in her life. She's had a fucked up life, okay, kid? She lived her life in a lab, for god's sake. She was treated like a science experiment! And now you're gonna take my daughter, MY INNOCENT DAUGHTER, and teach her about kissing and to sass me?? No way. I don't think so. So you listen, Mike Wheeler. You keep your lips away from her and we'll be just fine. Wh... what's that, El? No, no, Mike can't come over, his grandma is sick. Yes, she'll be fine. No, you can't go see him. Why don't you... El- Eleven! Do not fight me on this, young lady!! Put on your TV and-- HEY!! No slamming that door in my face!! Listen here, you little brat, if his influence on you is doing this, then I'm going to forbid you to see him!! ..... Well, that's just great. Now I have to clean up broken glass again from your little psychic temper tantrum. (This piece is title 'Finn Wolfhard Sucks'.)

dkharbour If you had no idea Winona and I were together, you could take one look at this picture and be like, "Wow, you two are absolutely fucking each other, aren't you?" To which I respond: HOW DARE YOU, GOOD SIR. WE ARE INNOCENT BEINGS WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT SEX IS. We merely look at each other like this because we have very innocent feelings for one another. We are nothing but the good mother and father figure of these children. Do not ever insinuate otherwise, for the sake of our children and for our own modesty.

dkharbour As Big Sean so succinctly said: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass STOP! Now make that motherfucker hammer time.

dkharbour Have you guys seen the bloopers that @strangerthingstv released? If not, take a second from reading this to go look it up and listen to me losing my shit over the word 'grandma' in front of two consummate professionals. (Teenagers. I lost my shit in front of teenagers.) They were nothing but professional, and I couldn't stop giggling because for whatever reason, the word 'grandma' struck me as hilarious. Not my proudest moment, I won't lie. But I'm pretty in awe of how this pumpkin came out!! I didn't even know pumpkins could be works of art like this!! Artist, please reveal yourself so I can credit you for this masterpiece. I never thought I would be immortalized on a pumpkin, but here we are! Happy Halloween, and keep your eyes open for the Mind Flayer.

dkharbour Okay, the Mouse knows how to put on a fucking show. I'm 44 years old and even I was in awe during Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party. Good job using all that revenue to entertain us, Disney! You know how to get us suckers coming back for more! (But seriously, look at the Oogie Boogie castle. How cool is that?!)

dkharbour I love this woman more than I have ever loved another person in this whole entire universe. It's her birthday today, and I love being able to celebrate her, to show her how much I love her, to get to take her on a trip and surprise her with all of our little nephews and niece. She is my light in the dark, the one to put a smile on my face when I'm having a bad day, the person that I have given my entire heart and soul to. Doesn't she look goddamn adorable in her Simba hat? She is the Beauty to my Beast, and I am so lucky to have her. Wish her a happy birthday, Instagram. She deserves to have the best day in the world. More than anyone I've ever known.

dkharbour @alexpall claims that he's my long lost son, that I abandoned him, blah blah, but the truth of the matter is he's actually my long lost TWIN. Not my SON. Like I could've had a son at ten years old! Don't you dare age me more than I am, you young whippersnapper. I'll make you regret you ever took a picture with me!

dkharbour This is @charlietaylorhmua and she is a genius at making me look like a beautiful human. Spoiler alert: I am not all that beautiful without her work. She knows what's up, she has really cool tattoos, she has an amazing dog that I love to make out with. I have to sing her praises on here because she deserves it, but also because she holds my long glorious hair in her hands and I don't want her to buzz me bald. (Love you, Charlie!)

dkharbour The Nonicus Horowitzium and Davidea Harbourius venture out into the wild to watch a game of sportsball. Though they are up close and personal, neither of them can be bothered to pay attention to the action at hand. The Davidea says something to make the Nonicus laugh hysterically, using his natural wit and charm to make her think he's funnier than he really is. It seems to work, judging by the fact that the Nonicus has to wipe tears away from her eyes. The Davidea is victorious in his efforts! Maybe the Nonicus will accompany him to more sportsball games in the future.

dkharbour Okay, paparazzi! You caught us kissing!! And thank you for doing so, because it's an awfully cute picture of us!! (No, seriously. The paparazzi might be wildly invasive, but we look so adorable in this that I can't help but love it. It's so rare that we actually indulge in PDA, so I never get to see us like this, and it's one of those moments where I'm like, "Holy shit, we're cute. Holy SHIT, I'm actually kissing Winona Ryder.")

dkharbour Okay, this will be the last of my SNL posts, I promise. It was just so surreal that I kind of want to post about it forever so I don't forget a single second of it. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. This sketch was one of the most ridiculous things we did, and the only sketch where I actually broke character and cracked up. Can you blame me though?! Wouldn't you crack up if you had Kate McKinnon as a little Italian man trying to stick her finger in your mouth?? I also won't lie, I had way too much fun tapping into my inner Italian lady. I looked HOT, okay.

dkharbour This one is just for Winona when she creeps on my Instagram. I see you, baby. You do know I'll flex for you whenever you want, right? (Everyone else... you're welcome, but they belong to her. Sorry!)

dkharbour "If everyone calls you trash and everyone treats you like trash, why don't you just become trash?"

When I sat down with the writers, I brought Winona with me and we pitched this idea to them. It was something we'd thought up together, wanting to take advantage of that grittiness that The Joker trailers had put out there and turn it on its head, make something normally bright into something dark like this. Winona was the one who actually decided it should be Sesame Street, and I am so proud of her and how this turned out. I'm honestly kind of overwhelmed by the amount of attention it's received, especially when it started out as our little brainchild and turned into this gorgeous cinematic masterpiece. Thank you @nbcsnl for letting us do this, for giving us the platform for our ridiculous idea.

dkharbour There are no words to explain how nervous I was before going out on that stage tonight, but the energy of the audience was incredible. The energy of the cast was incredible. Everything came together in a perfect storm, that perfect amalgam of electricity and nerves and je ne sais quoi. I'm so proud of what I got to do on that stage, what they allowed me to do, that my family and the love of my life got to see me do it. This was a moment I will never, ever forget as long as I live, and probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my life. (And I've done some pretty damn cool things in my life.) That is ME on an SNL photo bumper, goddamn. It feels like the craziest dream imaginable.

dkharbour If the Duffer brothers thought that I wouldn't FaceTime them while sitting in front of the audience at Seth Meyers to ask about Hopper's fate... well, then they don't know me as well as they thought. Tune in tonight on NBC to see the answer!

dkharbour You can see the pure childlike joy in my face during this first table read for @nbcsnl. I've been watching this show since I was a tiny child, when the jokes flew over my head and I only laughed because I knew I was supposed to. It was always a special treat to get to stay up with my parents and watch, and when I was a teenager, they took me to see it live once, which was the pinnacle of coolness in my teenage mind. I never in a million years dreamed that I would actually get to host, and it's exceeding all my expectations.

dkharbour LISTEN, I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU GUYS WERE DEHYDRATED. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE LEVEL OF JOPPER THAT YOU GUYS NEEDED WAS 'CAN YOU AND WINONA PLEASE FILM A JOPPER SEX TAPE FOR US' LEVEL. I MEAN, DAMN. WERE WE NOT GIVING YOU ANY SORT OF HYDRATION IN SEASONS 1 AND 2?!

dkharbour It's a wrap on my first forray into Marvel. I end it with a residual Russian accent, a man bun, a clean face, and a creepy mannequin that I may just bring home and have a love affair with. I still can't believe I got to be a part of something so incredible, with so many incredible actors, and I can't wait for you guys to see it. I also don't know how to keep my face warm now. What am I going to do when it's winter? How do normal beardless folk keep their faces warm??

dkharbour I've missed this little worm while Winona and I have holed up in London for Black Widow filming. She was at summer camp with her friends, but she was thrilled to see us when we picked her up! This is her new favorite toy, the squeaky ball. Apparently she would ignore every other ball until she found the squeaky one, even if it was hidden from her. Hooray for Gertie being so smart, but it's pretty jarring to be woken up by high pitched frantic squeaking in the middle of the night. Next thing you know, WHOOMPH. Tennis ball hitting you in the face. I'm so glad to have her back home though, despite all that!!

dkharbour Call this number for a little treat. It might be a compromised number, but Bald Eagle has a message for Wheelbarrow that needs to be heard by the masses. #IsHopperAlive #WeJustDontKnow

dkharbour In case you were wondering how big of a diva I am, I have a stunt beard. 100% class A diva status. I also appreciate that they labeled the beard with my name or else Scarlett might have taken it and worn it for one of her scenes. How embarrassing would that have been if I'd had to wear HER beard?!

dkharbour Not a bad view, eh? Celebrated lots of things with my gorgeous Winona in this gorgeous romantic place. Paris, you have been tres bien to us. (And for those about to give me shit, that is not wine, that is sparkling cider. Do you really think Winona would let me throw my sobriety down the drain? She loves me too much for that, and I love her just as much.) Let us go back, PLEASE!!

dkharbour HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?!?!

dkharbour #tbt to all the times I've rocked my #TeamSteve shirt. Listen, it's no secret that I am Team Steve. He's a doofus, he's hilarious, he hangs out with kids half his age. How relatable is that?? Plus, he's got the most gorgeous hair you'll ever see in your life. I'm gonna need you to tell me your secrets, @uncle_jezzy. And don't you give me that Farrah Fawcett bullshit!! They don't make that anymore!! They haven't for years!! Why do you think my own hair has fallen into shambles the way it has?!

dkharbour This is the kind of cast we are: @florencepugh picks my nose. (Not picks HER nose. Picks MY nose.) I smell Rachel's hair. @otfagbenle looks at us like we've all lost our minds. Which we have.

dkharbour Surprise, Comic Con!! It is I, Alexei Shostakov, here to show you that Soviet Russia is much better than silly America! Captain America? HA! I laugh at his scrawny American body and mock him by wearing his scrawny American logo on my large Russian chest. Come see our movie next May and I will show you that there is nowhere greater in the world than Mother Russia!

dkharbour I'm honestly not 100% sure how @netflixisajoke allowed this to be made, because it is the most wildly indulgent, over the top display of my off-brand sense of humor that you can possibly imagine. This is something that I hope my fans will enjoy, that my haters will give a noble effort, and that anyone in between will put on and think, "What fresh hell did I just dive into?" It's only a half hour of your life, so why not spend it watching my father David Harbour Jr. tell you how he got into Juilliard?

dkharbour EAGLE'S NEST, ASSEMBLE!! I mean, come on, we're obviously the superior team here. We've got pure unadulterated strength (Hop), stealth and Russian language skills (Murray), and the tiniest, sexiest badass you've ever seen in your life. (Joyce) In all honesty, this looks like the cover to a ridiculous slapstick movie made in the 70's about people trying to blend in with Soviets called something like "My Favorite Comrade".

dkharbour THIS. IS. WHAT. I'M. FUCKING. TALKING. ABOUT. Hot damn, do I love this. Am I mad that Joyce and Hopper never got to kiss? You bet your ass! Am I going to make Winona reenact this picture with me? You bet your ass!! (artist: @fennethianell, who I might have to commission sometime soon...)

dkharbour This season has brought us so much gorgeous fanart that I don't even know what to do with it. Look at this beautiful drawing that perfectly interprets the relationship between Hopper and Eleven! Eleven needed someone to be a father figure for her where she had none, and Hopper needed someone to fill that gaping hole in his heart that his daughter left. They need the other more than they even realize, but more than that, they're more alike than either of them realize. I'm so proud to be part of this incredible show, goddamn. (artist: @hellvocado)

dkharbour THIS. THIS IS WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. A nice date at Enzo's, some Chianti, a little hand holding, a lot of eye fucking... you know, the whole nine yards. Goddamn it, Suzie. YOU WRECKED IT. (artist: the incredible @nicoleclowesart, who also drew my header on twitter!)

dkharbour When you steal your girl's hat and you know you look good. I don't know how she resists me every day, folks. Alternate title to this photo would be: "The Bear, Pensive in Hat."

dkharbour This is what it's like working with Winona, who cracks me up on a regular basis. I get so deeply into character, so grumpy, I stomp around like an idiot even between takes because sometimes it's hard to break me out of my hard Hopper shell. And then there's Winona, this incredible deep actress, who is so gloriously funny and light and happy between takes, who reminds me that life is short and to enjoy it. Which I do, largely because of her. She is my light on the dark nights, the reason I laugh every single day, the reason I smile every morning. I am eternally grateful for this woman and everything about her.

dkharbour Felt cute, might delete later. Listen, I know I'm fucking hot, okay? You don't have to tell me twice. I mean, look at this face. Look at this BODY. Eat your heart out, Keanu.

dkharbour If you've ever wanted a glimpse into my relationship with Winona, this video provides it in spades. Featuring: me drooling over the love of my life, Winona getting upset with me for calling myself fat, the two of us bonding over both having been in The Wizard of Oz as children, and questionable British accents. (What you like??) Thank you so much @wired for letting us sit in a room together and be idiots together. I mean, we do that all day every day anyhow, but it was kind of nice to give the fans this look into what we're like together. And c'mon, is there any better way to spend the day than doing press with your girlfriend?? I don't think so.

dkharbour According to this quiz, I am "spunky and smart" and I "don't care what others think" of me. I'm not easily trusting, but when I "find the right group of people to open up to", I am a "loyal team player who'd do anything for their friends". Which Stranger Things character are you? I never thought I'd be a 13 year old redheaded girl, but if I'm being honest... that description fits me pretty well. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go buy a red wig and a skateboard; you guys should take this quiz while I'm at the skateboard wig store.

dkharbour Stranger Things fans, I would like to introduce you to Fat Hopper. He is 20+ pounds heavier than any Hopper you have ever seen before, far surlier, far more jealous and insecure, and a very overprotective father. He spends some time this season with his shirt off, so those of you who are into this are in for a treat! Those who aren't, well, I have some bad news for you. He also sports a wicked 'stache that gloriously stretches out over his lip like a hairy caterpillar, clamoring for screen time. #BiggerBadderHopper

dkharbour TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY!! If you don't watch Stranger Things season 3 tomorrow, then you're going to be a total square. Yeah, that's right, I said it. You don't want me thinking you're a square, do you? Didn't think so! Oh yeah, this picture has nothing to do with the premiere of the show, but I knew you'd click on it because I know how much you guys love seeing Winona and I together. (It's okay, I love seeing it too. I could look at pictures like this all day long. Or, you know, just look at her face with heart eyes like I tend to do.)

dkharbour Dear @milliebobbybrown, I have watched you go from a fun-loving if not slightly obnoxious child, to a caring if not a little bit of a know-it-all teenager, to a little woman right in front of my very eyes. Where has the time gone?! How are you so tall now?! Even before you were officially a Hopper, I always kind of thought of you as my daughter, so the fact that you get to play my daughter is pretty damn cool. You're like this little force of nature and I can't wait to see how you're going to grow and craft your art even more in the future. I'm proud of you, kid. #KeepTheDoorOpenThreeInchesTho

dkharbour JOPPERRRRRRRRRR. All you thirsty Jopper fans are going to be fed well when you see the show! I honestly can't wait for you guys to see it. I feel like I've been gushing over it for months and to know it's so close to being released to the public is pretty damn amazing. Also, thank you @netflix for letting Winona and I do an interview together! I know the fans were waiting for it, and I certainly was waiting for it too. Look at how well we feed off of each other! AREN'T WE ADORABLE?!

dkharbour One more because we're JUST! SO! DAMN! CUTE!! I do this to her on a daily basis. She's used to it. See that look in her eyes? "This is just David. He's extra. I'm used to it."

dkharbour In 2015, the Duffer brothers invited me out to dinner with Winona Ryder. I specifically remember thinking that I was being pranked, that they'd brought back the show Punk'd to pull one over on me. (If you don't know what Punk'd is, you are too young to be on Instagram, damn it.) She was late for the dinner and I thought, 'Yup, this was a setup. She's not actually coming.' You can imagine my surprise when she came rushing in the door, and there I was, deer in the headlights staring at the woman who I'd had a crush on for pretty much all my post-pubescent life. That was the night I came to find out that she was the most down to earth, kindest, incredible woman I had ever met, and I knew I was in trouble. Over our first year of filming, we had our ups and downs: from late nights snuggling in my trailer and watching The People vs. OJ Simpson, to having blowout fights where we'd scream at the other and say nasty things until we made up the next day. She was the best friend I'd ever had, and I couldn't believe I'd gotten to work with someone as incredible as her. Fast forward to now, where I am spending every day of my life with my very best friend, the most amazing woman I have ever met. To say that I love Winona is an understatement. I never knew that I could possibly feel this way about another person, and whether or not I believed in soulmates before her, I definitely do now. You can see all of that written on my face, if it wasn't clear. Having Winona by my side for the season three premiere was something special, and I am so grateful to get to spend the rest of my life with her. Love you now and forever, Smalls.

dkharbour @gqmexico!! I don't know how you made me look like such a suave, sexy, handsome man, but wherever you pulled that out from, I greatly appreciate it. Winona also greatly appreciates it, which makes me even more thankful.

dkharbour So now I've decided to pick up the bat and try my hand at being a slugger! (Or should I say Sluggerrr? Don't think I've forgotten about that crazy lion so fast.) I would love to say I hit the ball out of the stadium and caused an uproar with my amazing home run. I am sad to report that I hit one foul ball and then struck out. I don't think people realize how fast those pitches come hurling at you, but I have newfound respect for baseball players, especially catchers. I don't even want to imagine how badly it would hurt if it hit in the wrong spot.

dkharbour This is what pictures of Winona and I look like. She is small and hugs onto my leg while I tower over her in flannel. It's weird being on the other side of the spectrum for a change! It's also very, very weird having a 50 foot tall version of yourself, but I'm not complaining. My nephews are gonna think I'm a rockstar.

dkharbour Minnesota!! You are a mighty state where the love of my life was born, so I automatically like you for that. Add the fact that you've also got a bomb ass mall and we are in business. Thank you to everyone for coming out to see me, and my personal apologies to these two lovely fans who had to deal with me screaming in their ears down the entire log flume. (A log flume! In a mall!! What will these crazy kiddos think of next?! Listen, our mall in Stranger Things might not have a log flume, but it's got... well, you just wait and see.)

dkharbour This lion is named Sluggerrr and he tugged my beard to make sure it was real before I threw out my pitch in Kansas City. I admire your cajones, Sluggerrr. I also enjoy the way you spell your name. You've inspired me to go by Davviddd for the rest of my life. I might not be as cool as you and your crown, but thanks for accepting me anyway.

dkharbour Everyone always describes these dolls as "you know, the ones with the big heads!" His head is not as big as mine. In fact, his entire body is smaller than my beard. His body to head ratio is almost exact though. You nailed that one, Funko! I have to say, it's pretty weird knowing there are figures of me out there. Like I used to play with this shit as a kid and now I am one? It's trippy as fuck, man. #NoIAmNotOnDrugs

dkharbour Celebrate our nation's independence by watching an adorably tiny woman sass a giant tree trunk mountain of a man who thinks he's Tom Selleck. I think it's hilarious that I'm not even standing up straight and yet she's still half my size. Yes, it hurts our backs to kiss. Yes, I will be starting a GoFundMe to pay for our chiropractor bills. Yes, it will help if you watch Stranger Things when it comes out on July 4th.

dkharbour Texas, I feel as though you made a mistake. You handed me the ball, you told me to throw out the first pitch, and I just truly don't get why. I'm just some fat dude who plays a cop with questionable practices and occasionally fights monsters. I'm not a sports ball guy. Hell, I didn't even know the Rangers were a real team! I thought they were... you know... real life policemen on horses. My relatives who live in Texas will be oh-so-proud of me for this lack of knowledge.

dkharbour IT'S PRONOUNCED FRONKEN-STEEN!! Watch me channel both my inner Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle on July 16th when Frankenstein's Monster's Monster, Frankenstein comes to Netflix. It's written by John Levenstein, who wrote for Arrested Development and also directed a bunch of episodes of Pen15, if that gives you any indication of what this is going to be like. Also, please enjoy my large beard in all its cinematic glory.

dkharbour Coming soon to The Garden: CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT! Heavyweight Harbour is training to face off with his greatest rival, the one man who stands in the way of him and his love -- her husband, Keanu Reeves! You don't want to miss this SMACKDOWN SHOWDOWN!! Harbour is 200 pounds of fat, 50 pounds of muscle, and if his arms can't shatter Reeves' marriage with Winona, then he'll have to use his fat for the greater good!! Ticket prices start at $20; price pays for the whole seat, but all you need is the EDGE!!

dkharbour This is not what I meant when I said I wanted Joyce to sit on my face...

dkharbour Winona is finally in London with me and it's like the sun knew and decided to shine through the neverending rain this city usually endures. We went for a walk in this garden today, and it was so beautiful I couldn't help but share it with you guys. If you've never been surrounded by wisteria, you have to try it. It smells amazing and if you ask me, it's probably the most romantic damn setting I've ever been a part of.

dkharbour A photo of me in my natural form: standing in the middle of the East Village as it rains, enjoying the feel of the raindrops on my real head, glad to be free of that stupid human mask I normally confine myself in. I hope you can accept me for who I really am: a bright orange cone head.

dkharbour Someone was complaining about how I don't have my pants off enough, so I went and did a photoshoot without pants. You're welcome, internet. (That didn't really happen. I have my pants off all the goddamn time. But usually the only person I allow to photograph it is Winona.)

dkharbour Pretty damn proud to be part of the coolest TV show posters out there, even if my image on them does get smaller and smaller every season. Just you wait for season 30! You're gonna need a microscope to see me!

dkharbour Did you know that you're not allowed to go up into Big Ben if you're not a citizen of the United Kingdom? I put on my best British accent, but my New York state drivers license wasn't cutting it. See also: bird that masterfully photobombed my picture. I can't even be mad at you, bird. You did it so well that it looks like I meant for you to be there. Well played.

dkharbour All these dogs on Instagram keep doing these food challenges, so we decided to go to the farmer's market and let Gertie pick out some veggies to do her own food challenge. She's ready to take on the crunch.

dkharbour Eat your heart out, Steve Harrington. These locks don't even NEED Farrah Fawcett spray. They are just that luscious on their own, even when they are drenched in sweat. If I could go back in time and give this boy three pieces of advice, they would be: 1. Stop clamoring for attention, you dumbass; 2. Will you stop working out and obsessing over your body? Someday you will be the definition of 'dad bod' and everyone will think it's hot, trust me; 3. It's okay to still crush on Winona Ryder, even when you have a girlfriend. You're going to date her one day and it's going to be amazing.

dkharbour "David, Winona doesn't have Instagram!! Will you put up her new poster, please?!" - every comment on my last post

I GET IT, INSTAGRAM. SHE'S HOT, JOYCE IS BADASS, I'D WANT TO SEE HER TOO. No, I will not tell Winona to get an Instagram though. She values her privacy, but know that she appreciates your enthusiasm very much!

dkharbour If by 'everything', you mean 'the size of all the clothes in Hop's closet', then absolutely. Wait until you guys see Fat Hopper. He's my favorite, you're gonna love him.

dkharbour Reality Bites came out the year I started college. I was not shy about the crush that I had on Winona. Those eyes! That hair! That ironic detachment that only teenagers in the 90's could achieve! My roommate was from Winona, Minnesota, and I was intensely jealous of the fact that he came from the same place that this goddess had been born. Getting to go to the 25th anniversary screening of Reality Bites at Tribeca would have been enough of a treat. But getting to go with this goddess as my girlfriend?! Eat your heart out.

dkharbour The young meerkat assesses her surroundings. They are desolate, full of despair, but the meerkat doesn't mind. She's got this fabulous plaid jacket. Nothing can stop her now.

dkharbour This woman is the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life. If you told your girlfriend that you were going on a press tour around the world, chances are, she would say, "That's nice, honey, when are you coming back?" When I told my girlfriend I was going on a press tour around the world, she said, "Oooh, where are we going?" I have never known someone as intensely supportive, as caring and kind, as loving as her. She is absolutely one of a kind, the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life. She hates flying, yet she flew around half of Europe with me. She was just as jet lagged and exhausted as I was, and she didn't even have to be there! But she was, because she loves me. Thank you for being you, Smalls. I love you.

dkharbour Family, friends, and fans alike! It is time for everyone to drop what they're doing and run to the theater to see Hellboy! Mike Mignola created this amazingly rich character and world and I am so grateful to be the one who gets to bring it to life. It's wild that it's finally here, after a year of slinging this beast, even longer making it... I just hope you enjoy the final product that we put out because we put so much of our heart and soul into it. Can you say that you put your soul into a movie about half-demons from hell? Also, look at this gorgeous woman on my arm. Even if not a single soul goes to see the movie, I won't care because I've already won at life.

dkharbour I try to be a consummate professional, especially when it comes to meeting other actors, because I know what it's like. I'm just another person, you don't have to freak out when you meet me! But I may or may not have broken my rule and fanboyed a little bit when I met @curtisleejamie. I couldn't help it, okay?! I haven't been that starstruck since I first met Winona and we all know how that went! So if you see tabloids about me dating Jamie... they're all true.

Thank you to CinemaCon for honoring me with Action Star of the Year tonight. There are so many more deserving actors of the honor, especially with the motherfucking Avengers coming out, but I will gladly take this award and run from Robert Downey Jr.

dkharbour Pros of having a couch the same color as your dog's fur:
- you don't see hair when said fuzzball inevitably sheds everywhere
- everything in your house matches
- your dog being a chameleon is a cool party trick

Cons of having a couch the same color as your dog's fur:
- sometimes you don't realize there's a dog there and you sit down and then you get a really angry dog

dkharbour Pretty mind blowing to think that @playboy actually wants me on the pages of their magazine. Sadly, I do not have a staple through my navel, but that'll be in my spread with Playgirl. (Do they even make Playgirl still?) This time, I hope you'll actually read Playboy for the articles, but if you end up skimming over me, I understand. I did it when I was young too.

dkharbour It's amazing what a well-tailored suit, a shitload of filters and editing, and changing a photo to black and white will do for a person. Thank you @stylemagazineitalia for featuring my ugly mug and to @millermobley for making me look the best I think I've ever looked. (My girlfriend thanks you too... and I desperately thank you a second time for that alone.)

dkharbour Don't turn your televisions on tonight. You'll just be subjected to my hairy face again and who wants that after dealing with me last night?! I mean, okay, you can tune in for @latelateshow because James Corden is a bad mother (shut your mouth!) as is @pamelaadlon, with whom I am going to write Star Trek fanfiction when I get some downtime. After I finish my #Jopper fanfictions, of course!

dkharbour Dear Mr. Kimmel, I apologize for coming onto your show and exposing your poor innocent audience members to my tales about awkwardly hugging Italian suitmakers, being judged by a Bulgarian bull, providing Indian monkeys with sugar packets like Fun Dip, and of course, becoming the next @ladygaga. One of the weirder interviews I've ever done, but I can't say it wasn't fun! Much love, Hellboy.

dkharbour One of these is a grotesque mask, designed to strike fear into the hearts of adults and children alike, with dead eyes and horrible skin and the stumps where horns once were. The other is Mike Mignola's masterpiece otherwise known as Hellboy! London, you are very passionate about comic books and Hellboy in particular, thank you for coming out and reminding me that there is still pure unadulterated joy in this world and that not everything is a big hell pit of despair. Ironic, that you remind me that when I'm playing the bringer of the apocalypse, but you know, whatever.

dkharbour Madrid, you are majestic and beautiful like some kind of rare bird. I think this might be the exhaustion talking. What time is it? What city am I in? Who am I? Oh yeah, it's me, your friendly neighborhood Hellboy.

dkharbour Dear Spain, Winona has dubbed your incredible ham "mystery meat" and I told her that mystery meat can only be a gross thing served in cafeterias where you're not sure if it's actually meat or if it's just the sole of a shoe. Right?? Like this is some bomb ass ham and she's out here calling it mystery meat. Also thank you for the sweet toy that will be torn to shreds by our little monster the minute we give it to her!

dkharbour Speaking of Gertie, I miss her wormy little face. We took this picture before we left and we couldn't get over how much she looks like Falkor from The Neverending Story. Doesn't she just look ready for you to take a ride on her back?! Of course, if I tried, I'd get an annoyed huff and a bite to the hand. Our girl has some SASS.

dkharbour Here's a secret that @artofmm doesn't want you to know: Hellboy's horns are made of cookies. Yeah. When he "files them down"? He's really breaking pieces off and eating them, or feeding them to Broom when he gets full. I totally get it, I would break off my cookie horns and eat them if I had them too. That is, if Gertie didn't get to them first...

dkharbour Mexico City, you are so beautiful that I almost don't even mind that I can't have a smoke! (Almost.) My Spanish is muy terrible, but I had a hell of a time with you kicking off this incredible Hellboy press tour. Oh, and for those of you who were wondering: yes, I did leave Winona there. She's single now, she's an eligible bachelorette. Because that's what I do, you know? I bring women to Mexico and I leave them there. It's kinda my trademark move. I call it Harbouring.

dkharbour Winona's thumb is bigger than she is, everyone. She got it right in the shot, and she messed up the whole damn thing. Forget how cute we look. Forget the gorgeous buildings in the background. Just focus on that ginormous thumb and how much more beautiful this photo could've been without it. NICE GOING, SMALLS.

dkharbour Listen to me, we're going on a trip now, it's going to be rough. If you hear something in the plane, you tell me. If you hear something in the air, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold. Now let's go to Bahrain, Girl. (Does the pilot also wear a blindfold? We just won't dwell on that part.)

dkharbour One more picture from the Vanity Fair party because it's been awhile since Noni and I had professional pictures taken of us. We clean up pretty well, I'd say! I definitely prefer our day to day life of being homebodies and snuggling up with the worm, but it's nice to get out and live that Hollywood lifestyle sometimes.

dkharbour Spotted: the rare Nonicus Horowitzium in a very unnatural habitat. The Nonicus ventures out into this habitat every once in a blue moon, mostly due to the male species Davidea Harbourius, which lures the Nonicus out of its comfortable den. The Davidea is rather loud and obnoxious, but the Nonicus somehow puts up with it, wearing its fancy plumage to distract the Davidea while it tries to make its escape. The fancy plumage, however, only makes the Davidea ready to mate, which is likely to occur once the Nonicus is safely back inside of its den.

dkharbour I have always thought Valentine's Day was a dumb holiday. Forgive my cynicism, but it just always felt like a cash grab to me -- "Make sure your loved one has flowers!! Don't forget to get them a card!! You should buy them this giant box of chocolates!!" If you love someone, then why do you need a special day for it?! Shouldn't every day be about appreciating them?! Well, I do appreciate Winona every single day of my life, but actually spending a Valentine's Day with someone you love, showering them with affection and gifts, making them breakfast in bed... it ain't all bad. I have to say, this woman makes some of my cynicism melt away; makes me a more well-rounded, deep individual; reminds me that there is good in this world, and she is absolutely it. Happy Valentine's Day, Noni. I love you so much, baby.

(On a less romantic note, if anyone knows how to get this photo to me without the big ass watermark on it, I'll be forever indebted to you!)

dkharbour New York City has over 8 million people in it, so of course you're going to bump into someone you know on the street. I mean, the odds definitely say so. Nice to see @carabuono today while taking the Gertles for a walk! (Gertie was VERY excited to see someone she knew, mostly because strangers don't stop and pet her and she is very needy and desperate for affection. Yes, she takes after me. Shut up, I don't want to talk about it.) Sorry I looked like I just came from a month long trek in the mountains, Cara! I've been lazy and Noni likes it, what can I say?!

dkharbour I like to call this one: "Winona Tries to Teach Gertie to Master the Art of the Faceie. Gertie Fails Miserably, Takes After Her Father's Faceie Skills."

dkharbour I have moved plenty of times in my life, but do you know what I forgot about when you move? Going through all the boxes of everything you've ever owned and trying to figure out where the hell to put anything in your new digs. I guess Marie Kondo has some kind of technique for this, but I haven't gotten around to watching it and all I know is that everything I share with Noni sparks joy, so it's pretty damn difficult. So please enjoy this photograph of us when we weren't being scrubs around the house in sweats, unpacking everything. We clean up pretty damn nicely, I have to say.

dkharbour Winona is an owl because she is "wise and loves birds". Which is spot on, excellent choice for her. I am a sloth because "dude, you are so lazy". I'm feeling the sisterly love here. Thanks again for the onesies, Jess.

I hope everyone had a very happy New Year! I'm normally not thrilled about starting a new year, but this one holds a lot of promise in my eyes. Starting with the love of my life by my side, knowing we've got a big new season of our show coming out, the first movie I've ever been the lead in coming out... yeah, I've got a good feeling about it.

dkharbour Enjoy this video of Noni's beautiful voice and my even more angelic voice, sent directly from heaven. I truly don't know why this woman puts up with me. Have a very Merry Christmas, everyone. #WhereIsMyRecordDeal #SeriouslyImWaiting #DontActLikeYoureNotImpressed

dkharbour Please have a random photo of Noni and I while we take yet another flight across a long stretch of ocean. Maybe seeing a cute photo of our faces will calm her nerves during flying? I don't think it will, but it's worth a shot. Isn't she so damn cute?! She makes me want to be a better person every damn day of my life, and I am so in love with her. I'm usually a pretty private person when it comes to relationships, and yeah, I do like keeping a little piece of us that only we can see. But the bigger, more obnoxious, very extra part of me wants to scream from a mountain that this woman is the love of my life and everything about her is perfect!!

dkharbour This one's mostly to make Noni's brother jealous. Okay, and all of you guys too. How many of you can say this is your view when you wake up in the morning?! (Those of you who live in Thailand, don't answer that. You're just gonna make ME jealous.)

dkharbour Thailand is beautiful and also full of people who are going to steal my girl. See: man down in front, green face. Like, c'mon!! He's TOTALLY Noni's type!!

dkharbour Did you know that baby elephants are essentially big puppies? Today we learned that fact, along with the fact that elephants really like humans. No, seriously, google that shit. You know the way humans react when we see a cute animal or baby? There's a part of our brain that lights up when we have that reaction, and the same part lights up in elephant brains when they see humans. So they think we're as cute as puppies, everyone! This is Tilly and she was on her way to steal my girl. Winona didn't seem to mind, which I guess proves that size does matter.

dkharbour If you've never been to Thailand, let me introduce you to the concept of the tuk tuk. It's an open air taxi driven by a guy who talks almost as fast as he drives, telling you some wild shit as you weave in and out of other traffic, which includes cars, bikes, people, and other tuk tuks, which are going as fast as you are. It's honestly one of the craziest things I've ever done, which says less about the crazy shit I've done than it does about how truly wild this experience is. See that hat on Winona's head? Yeah, it flew off halfway through the ride. Did our driver care? OF COURSE NOT, HE'S GOT PLACES TO BE.

dkharbour If it had been up to me (and okay, my little nephews too) this is the menorah we would've had in this house for Hanukkah. This is the first time I've ever celebrated Hanukkah with someone, and it was honestly even more exciting than Christmas to get to surprise her with little presents for eight whole days. I'm not sure I actually got the entire history behind it, but then again, the entire history behind Christmas is pretty muddled in gift giving these days too. Still, it was beautiful to get to celebrate with Winona, to be a part of her family's holiday, to light the menorah every night, to get to be a part of something I'd never been a part of before. Hope all of you who celebrate Hanukkah out there had a great holiday as well!

dkharbour You know, they say dogs hate these cones, but our weirdo worm seems to be adjusting to it just fine. #Conehead #SorryWeTookYourLadyParts #GertiesTeenageAngstBullshitHasABodyCount #SpoilerAlert #ItsUs

dkharbour Extending a hearty thank you to @playingonair for allowing me to stretch my theatre legs once more. It's been too long since I got to do anything theatre related -- it's such a different beast than film or television, something totally unique that you only get when you're acting in front of a live audience, something I'd really missed. Sure, we were reading off a script, but it didn't make it any less incredible. Plus I got to talk about totally inappropriate things, which is something I'd missed by working with little kids!! But I think the best part of it was that Winona got to see it, which is something I'd always wanted to share with her. Next step: getting her to star in a show with me!

dkharbour This year, I am thankful for:
- my amazing girlfriend
- the fact that people are still interested in Stranger Things
- my incredible girlfriend
- getting to spend Thanksgiving with our families
- my gorgeous girlfriend
- our little baby worm
- my perfect girlfriend

ARE YOU GUYS SENSING A THEME HERE?! Also, please enjoy this completely real and not at all photoshopped picture of our Thanksgiving celebration. Damn @uncle_jezzy, you couldn't at least wash your face before you came to the table?! Disrespectful, man. And c'mon @milliebobbybrown, I slaved over this meal!! You can eat Eggos any damn day of the week!!

dkharbour Sometimes when you wrap on set, you become a recluse and hide out in your house for months recharging your batteries. Other times, you fly to a secluded island where the water looks like something out of a goddamn painting and spend a week there with your gorgeous girlfriend without wearing any clothes whatsoever. (Too much? Possibly too much. I'll have to see how hard Winona smacks my shoulder when she sees this caption.) But I'm telling you, if you get a chance, come to St. Lucia and don't worry about anything for an entire week. It'll do you a world of good.

dkharbour Our dog is no longer a puppy. She is a little lady. She has a big girl bed now!! I'm not ready for this!! Pretty soon she's going to be dating and giving her old man heart palpitations. Not cool, Gertrude. Not cool.

dkharbour May the force be with you. May the candy be with you. #StarWarsHalloween

dkharbour I first saw this woman when I was thirteen years old, and I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. Thirty years later, I still feel the same, and it blows my mind that I get to call her my girlfriend. I don't know how I got so lucky to date you, Noni. I'll save all my mushy comments for private, but I just want everyone to wish this amazing woman a happy birthday, because she deserves it. She's incredible, Instagram. The most incredible woman I've ever met. Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that she can wear the same shirt for the past 30 years?? I'm dating a vampire, you guys. She doesn't age. She doesn't care about subscribing to Hollywood ideals. She's just Noni and no one can change that fact and that's what I love about her the most. I know I'm the luckiest man alive to get to have her.

dkharbour GIVE EM HELL, NYCC!! So proud to finally get to show off our hard work to you dedicated fans. Hope you guys enjoyed it, and if you did, the movie is gonna be even more amazing. And if you didn't.... fuck you. (I'm just kidding, but if you didn't, then just wait for the real trailer. That's really gonna knock you out like a punch from Big Red himself.) Special thank you to a lovely lady who spent her day right by my side, cheering me on, wearing a Transformers mask with me as we explored the show floor, and generally being the best girlfriend imaginable. I'm talking about Wonder Woman, obviously. (KIDDING, AGAIN. Although Winona could easily be the new Wonder Woman...)

dkharbour Yeah, I abso-fucking-lutely won despite my name not being in that little envelope.

dkharbour Sometimes you put your heart and soul into your work and it pays off and you get a nice shiny trophy to keep in your bathroom so that your guests can hold it with their grimy hands and practice giving acceptance speeches in the mirror. (Acceptance speeches are not as much fun as you might think, folks. Writing them is a bitch!) And then other times, you come to an awards show with the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen in your entire life and you brag about having her on your arm because you know you've got the hottest date in the whole joint but then you lose your award and you pout like a big baby because you wanted your hard work to get recognized by a bunch of biased bigwigs that you've never met in your life, but ultimately you're a true winner because you get to take said gorgeous woman home at the end of the day. Today was obviously the latter. But doesn't she look gorgeous?

dkharbour Fashion! Puppy! Bath! BAM! Or: We Bought a New House and the Tub is Big Enough for Winona, Gertie, AND Myself!

dkharbour Venezia è molto bella! Ma non bello come la donna accanto a me! This is the only picture we took that I'm willing to share with the world. Get your head out of the gutter, you pervs. It was just a really romantic trip, where I fell in love with our gondolier and bought a leather jacket with a fuzzy collar.

dkharbour Everyone needs to run, not walk, to go see Winona's new movie, Destination Wedding. Not only is it hilarious, it's also adorable and touching and everything you want from a romantic movie. It's a beautifully scripted film, not to mention beautifully acted. It's one of those films that you want to use your own money to distribute around the world because you want everyone to get to see how incredible your girl is. Seriously, I will buy out a theater for people so everyone can go see it. I'm not biased, I promise!

: the incredible Cindy Horowitz

dkharbour She didn't want to show her face without makeup, which is silly because she looks just as gorgeous without makeup as she does with it. Actually even more gorgeous. I guess I'm kind of glad she kept it hidden because I like that sight being for me and me alone.

dkharbour This whale shark was the first time I've ever felt small in my life. So thanks for that, buddy. Now I know what my girlfriend feels like every day and I gotta say, not a big fan. Glad I'm large!

dkharbour This dog thinks she's a parrot, I'm pretty sure. If not, then I have no explanation for this. I guess this is what you have to expect when you're a goddamn weirdo and you have a child.

dkharbour I've used the Beauty and the Beast comparison between us before, but come on!! She looks like Belle and I look like the Beast, I'm half expecting Celine Dion to pop out and serenade us. I also have my eye on our furniture because I don't want to hurt it by sitting on it if it's got feelings, ya know?

dkharbour The happiest place on earth with the cutest kids on earth. When you get your girlfriend's niece and nephew together with your nephews, you don't know what to expect. What we got was the sweetest outcome imaginable. I'm pretty damn proud to be the cool uncle to these kiddos.

dkharbour I am so in love with these two women, it's not even funny. Even though one of them chewed the other's finger until it bled and the other one is a fuzzy little monster who likes to sleep on her back. I mean, wait...

dkharbour I'm familiar with monsters. I've faced a lot of them in real life, both physical and mental. I've been in a lot of shows and movies that have monsters in them too. Obviously, I mean, look at the Demogorgon. That's a classic movie monster if you've ever seen one!! But no monster terrifies me more than this one. Meet Gertie, the most terrifying monster in the universe. (@netflix, I'm so sorry for spoiling season 3.)

dkharbour I swear to god, Joe. Get your giant ass head out of the way, you're blocking the view of the fireworks. Dick.

dkharbour Camping in the living room with the nephews. Why weren't my uncles this cool when I was little?! (Answer: because they didn't have Winona to do cool things like make blanket forts.)

dkharbour Thanks for the jackets, @jimmykimmellive. Even though I wore none of them on your show, looked like the Brawny man instead, and looked like an absolute tool in these pictures. You know your girlfriend is in deep when she thinks you look sexy flashing a little skin like that.

dkharbour When I was in Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee gave me quite possibly the weirdest note I'd ever received: "Handsome, more handsome." But now that I'm looking at this picture, I finally understand what he meant -- don't make dumb faces when a beautiful woman is kissing you and know your angles (thanks for that one @milliebobbybrown!!). But I know the eyes aren't on me in this picture. I mean, come on, look at her. How could you look at anything else?!

dkharbour They say a picture says a thousand words. I could probably say a million about this picture alone. I have never been happier in my whole entire life, and that's thanks to you, Smalls. Thank you for being the best thing that ever happened to me. And to those of you out there who feel undesirable or that you'll never find anyone, keep the faith. The world works in mysterious ways and rewards you sometimes when you're not quite sure what you've done to deserve it.

dkharbour Sometimes you just want to shamelessly take a 'faceie' the moment you wake up and it's too damn cute not to share with the world. Is this #NSFW? Get off your phones at work anyhow, ya bastards!!

dkharbour "Net neutrality, you greedy dickheads!" Thank you for my beautiful award, @thewebbyawards and thank you for the platform on which I could call out corporate fuckery by its name, to speak up for something that really matters, and to try and use my (incredibly loud) voice to do something good in this world. Hey, if you can't use your celebrity for good, then what the fuck is the point?

Shoutout to the submissions I got on Twitter for #fivewordspeech suggestions though, my personal favorites were: "Yep, it's a Tide ad", "Never crowdsource an acceptance speech", and "Please date me, Winona Ryder."

dkharbour It's been awhile since I've shot a round of pool, which was clear by just how terribly I got my ass kicked. At least I got this shot of me looking like I know what I'm doing, plus the way I've got my butt sticking out makes my girlfriend all weak in the knees.

dkharbour I was asked by the kind students of Alpha Theta if I could come back to @dartmouthcollege and be their DM for a big game of D&D. That'll happen next time, but in the meantime, I was incredibly honored to come back to my alma mater and see how many people care about my doofy ol' mug. Now quick, someone teach me the rest of the words to the Dartmouth song so I can actually pretend to have learned something substantial here...

dkharbour Had a damn good cup of coffee with this guy! @kyle_maclachlan

dkharbour Had a dream where there was a gorgeous woman in my bed. I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep because goddamn it, I never wanted that dream to end! Then I realized there was actually a gorgeous woman in my bed...

dkharbour Not pictured: a very excited four year old, a one and a half year old who wasn't quite sure what was happening, and the ever elusive Winosaur, my personal favorite. #NationalHistoryMuseum #NephewsDayOut

dkharbour Hello! My name is Elder Harbour... #GoSeeThisShow #SoFuckinFunny

dkharbour This little guy has been coming into my apartment for over a year now. I think I have partial custody at this point. We've named him Bowie, but have yet to see how he reacts when Bowie's music is played. If he doesn't strut a little to Fashion, then he's being disowned.

dkharbour My resemblance to Grumpy Cat is magnified that much more when you look at how adorable Winona is.

dkharbour I think it's very possible that I hit my head on New Year's Eve and I've hallucinated all of 2018 while in my comatose state. It would be easier to believe than all these insane things I've gotten to do and see!

dkharbour From one extreme to the next! As grateful as I am for the once in a lifetime trip to Antarctica, this is more my speed. Water that won't freeze my extremities off? Beaches that don't smell like penguins? I will gladly take it.

dkharbour What mystical land is this where the ground stays still underneath my feet? Is this a dream? Am I going to wake up in my bunk and still swaying violently? Time will tell...

dkharbour Meet Philip, Pippa, and Phoebe. I didn't know spending a day playing with tiny fuzzy penguin babies was on my bucket list until it was officially crossed off. Becoming a father to three little babies was also unexpected, but very welcomed. I don't really want to go home, honestly. I just want to stay here and watch these little guys grow. Thank you so much @greenpeace for giving us this opportunity.

dkharbour Found this strange creature in Antarctica. It answers to the name 'Winona' and really likes to eat beef jerky. I think maybe the big eyes are a defense mechanism, but I can't be sure yet. I think I'm going to bring it home with me to have scientists look it over. (You can also see another creature in the reflection of the Winona's eyes -- looks like maybe Bigfoot is real after all?)

dkharbour Can you believe this is real? I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes. Hell, I still don't believe it when I look at this. #ProtectAntarctica

dkharbour About to board the Arctic Sunrise for the remainder of our trip. This will be the last photo of me smiling, the rest will be of me puking up my guts. I already miss not being nauseous. Show of hands: who thinks Winona will remain friends with me after she sees how violently I can puke? Pretty sure she's going to run as far as she can once we're back in the good ol' US of A! #SirFrancisDrakeSucks #OnABoat #ProtectAntarctica

dkharbour I took this picture to prove how much smaller Winona's head is than mine. She didn't believe me until we took the picture. Look who's laughing now, HA! Did I mention we're driving to Antarctica? #IWishWeCould #DrakePassageIsGonnaSuck

dkharbour Got my snow pants and I am ready to get my groove on with these 'guins. Tuxedos be damned, they can't possibly look as suave as I do right about now.

dkharbour Listen kid, your mother looks so beautiful at the SAG awards tonight...